Appleridge Obedience Family German Shepherds 

Appleridge German Shepherds (423)457-3808 -Now in Atlanta GA, Annette text,phone appleridgegsd@hotmail.com 32 Years Dedication to Purebred Dogs , Atlanta, Cleveland, Ontario-CKC AKC Inspected and Approved

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Humor for Dog Lovers

Whoever said "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs.

The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed.  Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory.  Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred.  A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all  four legs, shove sleeping human to the floor.

Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin.  Yipping, growling, running, kicking.  Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail.  The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap.

Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog.  The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing wind.  Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs.  Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake.  The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake. So, why do we put up with this?  There's no sane reason.  Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.

A Dog's Eye View of Obedience Class (Author Unknown)

HEEL ON LEAD: Walk as slowly as you can, then spring forward with all your weight. If your handler falls flat on his or her face, you score 25 points.

RECALL: When your handler shouts at you, assume rock deafness. On no account sit in front of your handler, because he will only make you heel. 25 points if your handler loses his voice.

RETRIEVE the DUMBBELL: On no account fetch it back, because he will only throw it away again.  If he wants the stupid piece of wood let him fetch it himself, you will be helping to train him not to throw away things he really wants. 5 points every time the handler gets the dumbbell.

SIT: Stay one inch away from the ground at the back end. This builds muscles and makes your rear legs stronger, which will help you pull your handler down on the HEEL ON LEAD.

CONCLUSION: Do any exercise you choose perfectly! This will leave your handler thinking that the earlier mistakes were his fault, and they will take you to training classes week after week.

Doggie Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

The Creation Story as Told by Dog...

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man and woman to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man and woman could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man and woman broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

On the eighth day, God realized that He was victim of "the tail wagging the dog syndrome", and created dog obedience training. He spent the next 2000 years trying to "train"the dog. It finally occurred to Him that the dog was always in charge and decided that eight days in a week was too much....... and thus the seven day week has remained ever since.

Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

How to Take a Puppy's Picture

1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in per-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, outside! No, outside!!"

17. Call spouse to clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit and stay" the first thing in the morning

More Rules for Dogs...

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Why some Men have Dogs not Wives

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another name.
  3. The dogs parents never visit.
  4. You never have to wait for a dog, they are ready to go 24 - 7.
  5. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  6. The dog son't mind you checking out the chicks.
  7. If the dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
  8. Dogs don't care how much money you have or how you spend it.
  9. Sleeping in is no issue, you can do jobs around the house when ever you feel like it.
  10. The love watching the ball game, hanging out  and spending valuable time on the couch.
  11. They never nag you about how much you eat, pass gas, or take care of yourself. 
  12. They don't mind laying on your unfolded laundry which happened to end up on the floor.
  13. They don't mind pizza and chips cold and never demand dinner dates.
  14. Bear and Ball games are exciting when the guys come over.
  15. The  "Honey to do list " is not an issue.
  16. The menu "what's that" a bag or chips, can of beans, left overs and TV dinners are fine.
  17. When the car breaks down, they go with you, rather than expecting you to go alone.
  18. They prefer the bed or coach rather than shopping for next seasons "new fad". 
  19. Dogs put no value on your material possessions, cars or money in the bank.  It's yours to do with, what ever you'd like, when ever.
  20. The dogs doesn't care about Anniversaries, Birthdays, Holidays or Diamonds.
  21. Shaving or dressing today is not an issue to the dog.
  22. The cap off the tooth paste, toilet lid up, Full trash cans are okay.